


Life Slash Dreams

by ryukoishida



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, Post episode 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:41:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2282175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryukoishida/pseuds/ryukoishida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once, a long, long time ago, Sousuke Yamazaki had a dream. He'd been so close, so close before it got cruelly snatched away from his grasp. But what he's lost two years ago, he thinks he's gained back when he reunites with Rin - even if it means he'll never be able to chase his dream again, even if it means he'll be lost with nowhere to belong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life Slash Dreams

            Once, a long, long time ago, Sousuke Yamazaki had a dream: to stand at the Olympic podium with a medal around his neck along with the best swimmers in the world – triumphant, proud, invincible.

 

            He’d been so close, so close, only to have it cruelly snatched away from his grasp, the shimmering image of the spotlight, the crowd’s cheering, and most importantly, swimming side by side with his best friend on the world stage together, is shattered, turned into nothing but distant star dust that slip through his desperate fingers the harder he tries to keep it in his palm, a last attempt to fool himself that that’s still a plausible reality he’s striving for.

 

            Not the sharp pain in his right shoulder that slowly simmers into a dull ache – sometimes seems to have disappeared – but just as Sousuke is about to forget that the tear in his muscles has ever happened, the agony strikes back even more ruthlessly than before, as if to obnoxiously remind him of its haunting existence, a taint he’ll never be rid of.

 

            Deep down, Sousuke knows he’ll never be able to swim like he used to again. He knows this but still, all he wants is a chance to swim with his best friend – not as competing rivals, but as supportive teammates.

 

            Sometimes, he wishes he can go back in time and have another go to do things over, to re-evaluate some of his decisions.

 

            He can blame lady luck for casting this misfortune on him; he can blame his middle school team’s coach for not reminding him to ease off on the rigid training; he can even blame talented swimmers like Haruka Nanase for constantly putting pressure on him to do better – to swim faster (even if Sousuke recognizes that as weight unhealthily reinforced by his own mind); but most of all, Sousuke blames himself.

 

            There’s really no one else to blame but himself.

 

            He would do anything Rin requests (to a reasonable degree, of course), but when the captain asked him – crimson eyes pleading with him, tears still rolling down his cheeks, and Sousuke’s heart broke a little at that, fully knowing well beforehand that this would happen – to drop out of the relay, Sousuke has been adamant about his decision.

 

            It went against every instinct his body had at that moment, his shoulder scorching in pain and swelling an angry red. Swimming should be the last thing he was allowed to do, and the logical part of Sousuke acknowledged this, too – acknowledged it and then deliberately disregarded the fact that after this single relay, he may never be able to swim again, at least not at the Olympic level like he’s dreamed ever since he learned how to do the front crawl when he was just six years old.

 

            That dream seems so immense, so distant in the child’s mind, but never once did he consider giving up. Compared to back then, as Sousuke stood by the side of the empty pool in the nearly deserted natatorium with Rin by his side, his shoulder still burning from the exertion during the relay half an hour ago, that same dream seems to have drifted even further away and Sousuke has no energy or the strength left to keep chasing.

 

            He’s fought his hardest, Sousuke has promised himself this much, and perhaps it’s this troublesome tenacity of his that has landed him into this situation. He’s fought, and he’s lost, but this time, he’s not alone.

 

            He’s letting go, but he’d like to believe that he has no regrets.

 

            “Shut up, Sousuke,” Rin is saying though there’s no fire in his words, and the dark-haired boy can’t even see Rin’s face because he’s still packing his bag for tomorrow.

 

            “I wasn’t saying anything,” Sousuke returns, sitting down on the edge of his bed gingerly, careful not to jostle his injured arm too much.

 

            “You were thinking useless things again; it was too loud,” he explains, placing the last piece of his clothing in his over-stuffed pack.

 

            “That doesn’t even make sense,” Sousuke lets out a rare chuckle and Rin finally turns around to face him properly, his expression solemn and eyes glittering with something akin to caution.

 

            Sousuke wants nothing more than to wipe that horrible expression off his face and replace it with that carefree, almost cocky, grin he used to wear as a child. He doesn’t know how to go about it though; cheering people up, faking a smile – he’s not good at pretending, too exhausted to keep up the act anymore.

 

            Rin sits down next to the quiet figure, head slightly lowered so that his red locks brush against his cheeks and eyes captured by the bland pattern of the hotel room’s carpet.

 

            They have just returned from a visit to a local clinic, making sure that Sousuke’s injury didn’t worsen or require any emergency treatment. The doctor on duty has informed the boys that it’s better for Sousuke to get his shoulder check out by his usual doctor once they go back to their home city, but it’s sufficient for him to ice the swelling and rest in the meantime.

 

            Once they get back to their shared room, neither of them appears to want to say anything, one too deep in thought to notice the forced silence, the other pretending to be too occupied to care.

 

            But Rin has had enough. It’s beginning to suffocate him – this unnatural stillness that suddenly rises up between him and his best friend like an impenetrable iron wall.

 

            Rin will break it down, for both of their sakes.

 

            “You should call your doctor for an appointment,” Rin manages after dozens of possible phrases run through his mind.

 

            “It’s too late now,” Sousuke calmly reminds him, nodding at the clock that notifies them it’s, in fact, almost ten at night.

 

            Rin tsks, “Then remember to do it first thing tomorrow morning.”

 

            “Yes, mom,” he replies with a straight face, and Rin at least is still in the mood for sending him a murderous glare. That’s always a good sign, Sousuke supposes.

 

            “Seriously though,” Rin mutters, head turning to the side.

 

            “I know.” After a beat, Sousuke adds, tone a little softer, “I’m sorry for all the trouble, Rin.”

 

            “Don’t be stupid,” Rin turns towards the dark-haired boy once more, his gaze fierce with something that’s not quite anger or irritation. Sousuke has trouble reading him this time; it’s a rare occasion. “We’ve known each other for years now, so… don’t give me that, okay?”

 

            “You’re… mad,” Sousuke ventures a little uncertainly.

 

            “Well, yeah,” Rin nods once, but doesn’t go on.

 

            There is another issue that has been bothering Sousuke as well, and he wonders if that’s what Rin is hinting at.

 

            “I know I should have mentioned my injury sooner, as a member of the swim club. You could – _should_ – have had the choice to take my condition into consideration when you were picking members for the relay team,” Sousuke keeps his gaze forward, teal eyes unwavering and hands clasped loosely on his lap. “It was wrong of me to keep it hidden. I only wanted to swim with you, but it’s my selfish wish that has cost Samezuka a shot at the nationals.”

 

            “You didn’t know that!” Rin snaps, and bites the inside of his cheek as if he has more to say but is forcing himself to keep the words inside. He continues in a quieter voice, “and anyway, that’s not why I’m pissed.”

 

            “Then enlighten me,” Sousuke’s gaze on Rin as he waits for his answer is intense with need; the last thing he wants is for Rin to remain angry at him for reason unbeknownst to him. “Please.”

 

            Rin squeezes his eyes shut, and Sousuke’s afraid Rin may start crying again, but he doesn’t, thankfully. Instead, he merely sits up straighter, and when he looks at Sousuke, it’s with a mixture of pain and concern and tenderness and a kind of warmth that sends a torrent of heat throbbing through his bloodstreams, making his heart rate spikes and his head a little dizzy but in a good sort of way.

 

            Maybe he needs to get his heart check out in addition to his shoulder.

 

            “I don’t care whether or not we make it to the nationals,” he pauses here and rephrases as a second thought, “I mean, I do care, obviously, but an athlete’s health always comes first, no matter what.” Rin could have worded it a little better, made his intention a little more clear, but he thinks Sousuke may get his underlying meaning. After all, he’s always been the one who understands Rin the most.

 

            Sousuke blinks at him owlishly, expression unchanged.

 

            Rin sighs. ‘Guess I’ll just have to spell it out for him.’

 

            He lays a gentle hand on the other boy’s cheek, noting with a hint of amusement that those usually impassive teal eyes are widening at the unexpected proximity before Rin dives forward and plants a light, careful kiss on his lips.

 

            “Wha-? Rin?” His eyes are too close – the red of his irises dancing like fire, and Rin still hasn’t moved away.

 

            “I care about the results of our team,” Rin admits, and his tone turns even softer at his next statement, every word an exhale of warm impression on Sousuke’s skin. “But you are more important than any medals we could have won. You risked your health in order to swim in the relay, and when I see you struggling in the water with pain, I hate myself that much more for allowing this to happen…”

 

            Sousuke looks like he’s about to argue, but Rin kisses him again, longer this time, with more conviction and bravado fuelled on from his confession.

 

            “Shut up and listen,” he tells him when they part, his breathing ragged and he’s somewhat pleased to see that Sousuke is in the same predicament. “As the captain, I should have replaced you in the relay. As your friend, I should have tried harder to dissuade you from hurting yourself even further. I… I failed as both. Sousuke. If anything were to happen to you…” a gentle finger traces the outline of his clothed shoulder, the touch feather-light, and Sousuke shivers, imagining that hand tracing elsewhere on his heated skin. “I would never forgive myself.”

 

            He lets the sentence and the sentiment it implies hang in the air between them, sees the green in Sousuke’s eyes brightens in comprehension, and asks, “Now do you get it, you idiot?”

 

            After a short moment when Sousuke finally processes Rin’s question, he can only nod numbly, words having taken flight since the kiss.

 

            “I’ll get you some more ice,” Rin mutters, and he quickly stalks off towards the door, grabbing the bucket by the counter on the way.

 

            “Thanks,” Sousuke barely gets the word out before the door clicks behind Rin’s retreating figure.

 

            Silence once more.

 

            Sousuke lets out a shuddering breath, a hand raised up and finger experimentally touching his lower lip where he can still taste Rin. He smiles a little.

 

            His dream may have turned to dust; it may take him months of treatment and rehab therapy to be able to swim without hindrance again; and he will never have the chance to swim in the Olympics.

 

            These are all facts that have once pulled him down into the dark depths of his mind and have spiralled out of control, made him temporarily lose his sight.

 

            He still feels like his feet are standing unsteady on this new, unknown territory, and he’s still somewhat at a lost of what his next step may be or where he belongs, but Sousuke is sure about one thing: he’s not as alone as he’d like to think he is, and having Rin by his side again, he feels like at least for now, for this very moment, he will have the strength to go on, in search of something new, something better.

**Author's Note:**

> Goddamnit I wrote this all in one sitting and it feels great even though it still hurts. Having that depressing “future plans” talk with my mother actually helps inspire this, so I guess I got something out of that after all.


End file.
